Asian Jokes

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Some of you might not don't get these, but for those who do, aren't they funny???

102 Ways to Tell if you are Asian

How to be a Perfect Asian-American Parent

How to be a Perfect Asian-American Kid

Why Asian Girls should hang with Asian Men

How to be a Cool Asian

The Chinese Torture Tests

Top Ten Reasons There won't be a Chinese President Anytime Soon

Top Ten Pick Up Lines used by Asian Men

You Know You're Asian If...

102 Ways to Tell if You are Asian

You love to go to $1.75 movies.
You love to go to $1.50 movies even more!
You don't order sweet and sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey at a chinese restaurant.
You have a pager, even though you don't really need it.
You have a really nice pager, with an alphanumeric display.
You have a cellular phone, even though you don't really need it.
You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch.
You drive a Honda.
You have custom rims on your Honda.
You have a chinese knick-knack hanging on your rearview mirror.
You like to eat chicken feet.
You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
You turn bright red after drinking 2 tablespoons of beer.
You can get a buzz on Coors Cutter, O'douls, or Miller Sharps.
You look like you are 18.
You always look up at women, if you are male.
You always look up at chinese men, if you are female.
You live at your parents house, and you are not claimed as a dependent by them.
You only buy used cars.
You have more than 5 remote controls in your TV room.
You sing Karaoke.
You have a custom stereo in your Honda with the custom rims.
You entire house is covered with tile.
You have those plastic walkways covering your hallway and other heavy foot traffic areas.
You own a gun if you are male.
You have plastic or some other kind of cover on your furniture.
You leave the plastic on your lampshade for 10 years or more.
You eat family dinners with the TV on.
You love watching Connie Chung.
You have an incredible amount of clutter in your house.
You can't bear to throw away things.
You are an engineer.
Your dad washes his hair 4 times a year.
You hate getting B's.
Your house smells like preserved fish.
Your house smells like chinese medicine.
You have about 12-20 uncles and aunts.
You've never kissed your mom or dad.
You've never hugged your mom or dad.
Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your "coke bottle glasses".
You've worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.
You had a bowl cut before.
You go to yard sales often.
If you lose a dollar, you dwell upon it for more then 5 mintues.
Your parents own a restaurant or grocery store.
You love to "buck" the system.
If you are overcharged you scream bloody murder, but if you are undercharged, you go your merry way.
Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
You get a rush from getting a good deal.
You'll make ridiculous offers when bargaining. ("I'll give you $5 for that car")
You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable.
You love to use coupons.
You drive around looking for the cheapest gas.
You add twice the recommended amount of water when making orange juice from concentrate.
You'll squeeze a toothpaste tube down to paper thin.
You take showers at night.
You'll drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.
You'll learn about sex from someone other then your parents.
You'll be convinced your parents had sex as many times as required to produce you and your siblings.
You've never seen your parents kiss.
You've never seen your parents hug.
Your grandmother lives with you and your family.
Your Honda has been "lowered".
You never buy stuff from the concession stands at the movies.
You tip 15% or less.
You never order dessert at restaurants.
You always have water only when dining out.
You refuse to use the valet.
You try not to use the bellhop, for fear of tipping.
You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.
You don't mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.
You want your dollar back from the friend who borrowed it right away.
You get the runs when you drink lots of milk.
Most girls have more body hair than you if you are male.
You have a great love for cameras.
Sanrio means a lot to you if you are female.
Your fridge stinks.
Your parents don't want you to move out when you turn 18.
Your parents want to live with you when they are old.
You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.
You point to your nose when referring to yourself.
You say "Aiya!" and "Wah!" frequently.
You lie about your kids' ages when going to a movie or amusement park.
You lie about your age to get a senior citizen's discount.
You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it is uncomfortable.
You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.
You love to play Mahjong.
You want to marry chinese.
You have to read all your parents' mail written in english.
You have to make phone calls for your parents to english speakers.
Your parents ask you if you are home when you come home. ("Faan nei lah?")
You get a knuckle in your skull if you are being punished by your parents.
You are constantly being set up with uninteresting people by your parents.
You always hear about how great so-and-so's son or daughter is.
Your Honda has the "boom".
Your parents wish you would give 30% of your income to them.
Your childhood is filled with painful memories of the long feather duster ("Guy Mo So")
You can use the words "chink" and "chinaman" with impunity.
Your clothes smell like fried foods.
You talk at the top of your voice at all occasions.
You hate eating cheese.

How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent (from the second generation perspective)

Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.
Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 grade on his/her report card.
Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).
Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire Asian community.
Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do with your life?" if he/she majors in a non-science field.
Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.
Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.
Incorporate other phrases besides, "Did you study yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.
Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.

How to be a Perfect Asian Kid (from the first generation perspective)

Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.
Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.
Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for omma and apba!).
Love to hear stories about your parents' childhood... especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.

Why Asian Women should hang with Asian Men

1) We know martial arts and if we don't it still looks like we do. If you do a couple of kicks that aren't too pathetic ppl will think you are a master. Good deterent.
2) We speak two languages. We can speak to you AND your parents. In other words we can pucker up for you and your parents. Note: You must be the same asian race for this to apply.
3) We can use chopsticks. In asian restaurants we can split kimchee for you with chopsticks. Try that with a fork and spoon. We can also play table drums for you with chopsticks. How romantic...
4) We like the same music you do. All that new-wave/techo mixed and synthesized stuff.
5) We are all gonna be rich doctors, engineers, and lawyers. That means only one thing for you, "Shopping Shopping and more Shopping" Wheee.
6) We can be your geek on the street(We can help you with all your studying b/c we are naturally geniuses). Or we can be your stud in the pub(We can drink alot and have that squinty eyed, drooping cig, drink in one hand, we are cool, look that will make you want to sit with us).
7) We know what asian babes want. Our moms told us.
8) Our hairstyles are low maintanence. We just need a bowl and scissors.
9) We not only know all about american culture we make a great looking couple.
10) We are just as sensitive, understanding, and intelligent as the next American toughguy.

How to be a Cool Asian

Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white
Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine
Own a cellular phone .... " " " " "
Have only Asian friends
Speak only in Asian languages
Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class
If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA
If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA
Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends
Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties
Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
Refuse to dance to anything but techno music
Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians
Dance in circles at all parties and clubs
If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!
If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!
Wear only designer labels
Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
Own a pair of Doc Martens
Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them
Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners
BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER
Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
Own a sports car
Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated
Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school
Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates
If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumsized penis
If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness"
Two words: Manhattan Portage
If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inverserly related to the loudness of your car's engine.
If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of makeup on your face
If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
If you're a Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish
Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one"!
If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the "theft" of your women
If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway

The Chinese Torture Tests

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

Top Ten Reasons there won't be a Chinese President Anytime Soon

10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics
8. Oval Office has bad feng shui
7. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles

Top Ten Pick Up Lines Used by Asian Men

10. I may look like a nerd but it's only a disguise.
9. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
8. Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis.
7. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that chic from Street Fighter 2.
6. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y'see, I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
5. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club."
4. Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice!
3. You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time!
2. Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered stereo that'll leave you breathless?
1. My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE personality!

You Know You're Asian If...

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. You shop 99 ranch
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage"
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
15. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say...."
16. You know what bok choy is
17. You've gotten little red envelopes around February
18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors
19. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g. Jean - ee - yah! or Mary - yah!)
20. You have no eyelashes
21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc...
22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin
23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner
24. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
25. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
27. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian
28. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
29. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
30. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took Calculus in 8th grade!"
31. Everyone thinks you're good at math
32. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "ai-yahs, and Wah's"
33. You like $1.75 movies
34. You like $1.50 movies even more
35. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular lime green
36. Your parents insist you marry within your race
37. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation of oriental food
38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it
39. Your parents have never kissed you
40. Your parents have never kissed each other
41. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
42. "You want a stereo?! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate
44. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
45. You have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert
47. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat anyway. It's still good."
48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. You will most likely be taller than your parents
50. Your parents have either make you play the piano, the violin, or both
51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
52. When going to other people's houses, you always have to bring a gift
53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top
54. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both
55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chan)
56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations, or any of the rest of the furniture
57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine
58. You own a rice cooker or two
59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon
60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going
62. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come

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